The Admission

Yet still, I yearn for it, each night I lay in bed and I fantasize about it, I wonder how painful it would be as my heart races desperately trying to keep my unwilling body alive, I think about the fear that will set in as I feel the burning heat of my organs overworking and then shutting down one by one. I would panic, ‘Why have I done this?!’ and then I will remember the emptiness that filled me before, and I will decide, that I prefer this pain. At this point I imagine I will try to relax into it, knowing some feeling is better than the neutrality I tried to fill myself with in living days, and as death takes hold I will welcome it with open arms and I will beg of it, ‘Release me from this burden’.

Every night I dream of it, and every night I know I am not brave enough to make it happen.

Always

To discover, that beneath the horror, which masked the pain,

Lay a girl.

A girl who is sweet and kind,

Loving and compassionate.

Knowing,

That for nineteen years of my life,

She was there, by my side

And I,

Was clueless.

We strayed beyond the realms of sisterhood,

Unhinged by pasts shared

Pasts we wish we could have forgotten

Torn away from one another,

By the struggles of coping with an angry mother.

It pains me to know,

That I didn't know,

Who you were.

I didn't know that you were mine,

That I was yours

That we have been always.

Held together by a bond we didn’t recognise,

Or consider being a possibility.

Now here you are, in front of me,

Laughing with me,

Smiling with me,

Loving with me.

Wishing we could have,

Thinking we might have,

Been,

Always. 

Accept the Unexpected

Stepping in you realise that this isn't what you thought it would be. You expected more, you expected excitement, joy… Fireworks! Instead you are left with a lump in your throat and the morose truth that things haven’t gone quite according to plan. Rather than scenes of vibrant, dancing colour, rather than bright lights, rather than shivers down your spine, and being left breathless, you are faced with grey. Life moves on, like some drab slideshow of bland with you merely standing and watching as you do nothing. Any attempts of yours to reach out, to force yourself into those images and paint the life back in, are faced with an empty palette, frayed brushes, and a marred canvas. It dawns on you that life may never be this wondrous journey, that the world will never become that amazing place you dreamt of, and instead it will remain a struggle, filled with suffering, and greed, and controversy. You don’t fall into the lull of depression you suspected you would openly welcome at this time, nor do you refuse to allow this understanding of yours to take over and decide you will fight against it. You just sit, in the position you feel you were destined to have, and let that slideshow keep running because you know that however boring and lifeless it may seem at first glance, it is still your life. It is your memories being forged, and your future ahead, and you know that amidst all the grey, there will be flashes of spectacular colour highlighting the most important and joyful moments you will be lucky enough to live.

I Want True Beauty

I want very badly to be in a place of beauty, not manufactured beauty like architectural masterpieces, real, genuine, natural beauty. The kind that cannot be created by any mind, that cannot be configured through pure imagination.

I want the beauty which has been created by the winds, the rains, the rough seas. The shifting of plates, the collision  of mountains.

I want trees a mile high casting green shadows over crystal lakes of clear, magnificent water. Sun pouring through gaps in those trees, highlighting the pristine image of perfectly engineered flowers.

To see life moving in these waters, hiding in these trees, breathing in this sweet air, fragranced with life.

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In the depths of my heart

Beyond the realms of imagination and thought

Beyond understanding and composure

Beyond reasoning and logic

Is where I stay

Huddled in my worries, my truths

My pains

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The hatred which had built up inside of me throughout my life, has transformed. The metamorphosis which took place inside of me, finally complete. HATRED of those who caused my fear. ANGER created by you, and fuelled by yours. Destruction of those who stand in my path.

The Indescribable

People always say there are no words to describe the feeling when you have found true love. No words I can find are fitting to say the least, exaggerating them barely scrapes the surface. I want to tell you what you mean to me, without my love passing as less than what it is. But I'm struggling. It's the moments when I look into your eyes, and I realise, I've never been happier. When you wrap your arms around me and hold me close, I feel as though nothing can hurt me, you will protect me. When your lips touch mine and they are the perfect match.

But it's the little things, your cheeky smile, hearing your voice, and those cute little freckles of yours, all combined to create someone so amazing.

I didn't even come close.

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As I lay my head to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. But why do I pray? Be it for my own sense of security, hoping that I can live to see, another happy day. To brave the dying moment I never want to face. But could it really be that harsh? I believe not, for if I were not here, would you still be? Is there a possibility that if I had no existence, you too would have none? Or is it that I, being here or not, does not affect you? Do you continue without a thought? Not a moment to spare. To be truthful to yourself, would you really care, if I wasn't there? Of course not! It's illogical, for I know, that you know, not of my existence, nor of my death.