Child.

Here I was thinking I had my temper under control

Here I was thinking what she said was worse

Here I was thinking you’d changed

Little did I know you were still the same

If not worse

If not a little more up your own arse

If not with more audacity

If not more foolish

How can one travel so far in reverse?

How can one devolve to a state of pure delusion?

How can one be so clue-less?

But here you are, blind

There you are

There you are unaware of your own stupidity

There you are naïve in the light of the obvious

There you are uneducated

Unintelligent

Uncivilised

Unable to understand how unamused we are

You child.

What We Became

Locks on diaries became chains on hearts,

We replaced crouching over our words to shield them from offenders eyes,

With pulling down our sleeves, and muttering those empty words ‘I'm fine’

No more scraped knees and crocodile tears,

We have matured, with new gravel grating against our fragile skins,

We cry internally now, gasping for air,

Those scrapes come from blades, and scars from burns,

But some things still remain,

The way that people tell us ‘you’re overreacting’, ‘you’ll be fine’, ‘get over it’.

Of course we won’t,

The way we once sniffled and moved on was a product of childhood bliss,

We’re trapped in cages built from our own self-doubt,

Every breath takes effort,

Every smile is forced,

Thoughts of possibly being happy bring tears to our eyes because we’re sure,

We will never be.

Nothing is certain or stays,

Life fades and everything around us decays,

We will not get over it,

We will not forget it,

But We will move past it.

[Untitled]

Josie stared out at the mass of grey and white beyond her, and wondered what it would be like if she could venture down below.

The Savions had claimed the higher ground as their home for years. They are not aware of how they truly came to be there, but like all great nations, there are many great stories to guide the people to their destiny and the greatness they so desperately seek. These stories range from the much expected tale of being created as a type cast of divine beauty, to the most absurd scenarios which involve them willing themselves to evolve into the greatest creatures to roam the vast dimensions. Many Savions preferred the latter of course, as they are such a vain and proud people. However, vain though they might they might be, their hearts are full of love, love for the natural beauty tht surrounds them, and love for one another. You see, they are a gentle race who hold no one person more important than the next, each being significant in their path of life. 

But still Josie dreamed…

The Admission

Yet still, I yearn for it, each night I lay in bed and I fantasize about it, I wonder how painful it would be as my heart races desperately trying to keep my unwilling body alive, I think about the fear that will set in as I feel the burning heat of my organs overworking and then shutting down one by one. I would panic, ‘Why have I done this?!’ and then I will remember the emptiness that filled me before, and I will decide, that I prefer this pain. At this point I imagine I will try to relax into it, knowing some feeling is better than the neutrality I tried to fill myself with in living days, and as death takes hold I will welcome it with open arms and I will beg of it, ‘Release me from this burden’.

Every night I dream of it, and every night I know I am not brave enough to make it happen.

Accept the Unexpected

Stepping in you realise that this isn't what you thought it would be. You expected more, you expected excitement, joy… Fireworks! Instead you are left with a lump in your throat and the morose truth that things haven’t gone quite according to plan. Rather than scenes of vibrant, dancing colour, rather than bright lights, rather than shivers down your spine, and being left breathless, you are faced with grey. Life moves on, like some drab slideshow of bland with you merely standing and watching as you do nothing. Any attempts of yours to reach out, to force yourself into those images and paint the life back in, are faced with an empty palette, frayed brushes, and a marred canvas. It dawns on you that life may never be this wondrous journey, that the world will never become that amazing place you dreamt of, and instead it will remain a struggle, filled with suffering, and greed, and controversy. You don’t fall into the lull of depression you suspected you would openly welcome at this time, nor do you refuse to allow this understanding of yours to take over and decide you will fight against it. You just sit, in the position you feel you were destined to have, and let that slideshow keep running because you know that however boring and lifeless it may seem at first glance, it is still your life. It is your memories being forged, and your future ahead, and you know that amidst all the grey, there will be flashes of spectacular colour highlighting the most important and joyful moments you will be lucky enough to live.

I Want True Beauty

I want very badly to be in a place of beauty, not manufactured beauty like architectural masterpieces, real, genuine, natural beauty. The kind that cannot be created by any mind, that cannot be configured through pure imagination.

I want the beauty which has been created by the winds, the rains, the rough seas. The shifting of plates, the collision  of mountains.

I want trees a mile high casting green shadows over crystal lakes of clear, magnificent water. Sun pouring through gaps in those trees, highlighting the pristine image of perfectly engineered flowers.

To see life moving in these waters, hiding in these trees, breathing in this sweet air, fragranced with life.

[Untitled]

As I lay my head to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. But why do I pray? Be it for my own sense of security, hoping that I can live to see, another happy day. To brave the dying moment I never want to face. But could it really be that harsh? I believe not, for if I were not here, would you still be? Is there a possibility that if I had no existence, you too would have none? Or is it that I, being here or not, does not affect you? Do you continue without a thought? Not a moment to spare. To be truthful to yourself, would you really care, if I wasn't there? Of course not! It's illogical, for I know, that you know, not of my existence, nor of my death.

Words to be Unspoken

Have you ever had someone say the most unimaginable thing to you?

Ever had someone who meant so much, who was meant to protect you, who you depended on for reassurance, tell you the last thing you needed to hear? Tell you the last thing you thought they would say, no, not even the last, the only thing you thought they would never say.

You feel that moment of shock, the inability to comprehend the monstrosity set before you. Then the pain sets in, the hurt, the realisation that this person you care so deeply for could utter those words that hurt you most, in the full knowledge that they would, of course, shatter your very being in those few silent, painful, confused moments. To despise that important individual for only a short moment, but a moment long enough to question their loyalty, their 'truths'.

And of course, the attempt to retract their comment, to apologise and pretend they had never let word leave their lips, and your struggle to comprehend anything but the 'mistake' they didn't mean to make. Their pathetic attempt to comfort from guilt, and the sickening feeling that builds inside you, like bile rising from your gut forming a solid lump in your throat, as you recoil when they try to take your hand. You flinch as they put their arms around you, and your entire body tenses as they let slip the words 'I'm sorry', which at that very moment mean little more than water down a drain.

These moments tend not to come around very often, but when they do, they leave scars that outlive any reconciliation.

Animal Kind

I recently discovered an acquaintance of mine has purchased a mink coat, and I could not be more disgusted. I am confused by the sheer lack of care a majority of human kind has for other species, no matter how I try, I fail to comprehend why someone would use an animal, merely for it's skin and then discard it as if it were a piece of scrap paper.
I understand the use of cows skin for leather, and pigs skin for suede, as these are animals that humans feed on, but to use animals merely for the purpose of fashion? To ruin food chains and endanger species we do not feed on, for the sake of having the 'real thing'? 65 female mink or 35 males go into making ONE coat, just one!
There is no need for any person, no matter how rich, or fashion conscious, to use the skin of these animals, where faux furs and faux silk are so readily available. Quality and texture is no question as there are faux furs available which are so close to the real thing only a specialist would be able to tell the two apart.
I am not an animal rights activists, or a member of any animal protection societies, I am merely a girl who is horrified by the ignorant species she is a part of.

Sometimes I Wonder...

Sometimes, I wonder, what if I run out of things to say?
What if I lose my voice, lose my ability to share my opinion?
What if my writing peters out into nothingness?
What if I never get recognised for my talent? Or what if I'm not even talented enough to be recognised?

These are the things I fear...

But to fear, is to disable yourself, to fear is to admit that there is something stopping you from achieving greatness, it is the recognition and acceptance that you may not succeed, that you may not fulfill your dreams. It is allowing yourself to step back, to be defeated, to let someone else take your spot in the limelight.

So if everyone fears, no one succeeds.
If everyone takes that step back, there is no one left to stand up, to step forward, to proclaim, 'I am not afraid!'
And if everyone took that step back, well we would have nothing, all those great minds, of peace, of love, creativity, talent, invention, and independence. All those minds would be disregarded, forgotten and left in the shadows.

I guess I just have to teach myself, not to fear.

Green Lights

So I have just been listening to Aloe Blacc - Green Lights, and it inspired me to write, as it's been a little while. So I'm just going to write about positivity and Aloe Blacc's ability to inspire and make people feel good.

In this song he describes, 'something special happened today', a series of events in which he was lucky. But it said something different to me, something along the lines of this; there's no need to sit around waiting for something special to happen, or your luck to change. Why not get up, and make that something special happen. It is up to us as individuals to create our own luck, to find opportunities and put ourselves out there, and even if we don't make it the first time over, as least we can take pride in the fact that we tried.

Life isn't about coasting through waiting for something to happen, it's about creating the world YOU want to live in, creating the person YOU want to be, so YOU can take pride in what YOU have and who YOU are.

So make something special happen today.
For You.

People Who Pose With Money

Okay so this is a bit of a rant.

Is it just me, or is anyone else annoyed by people who pose with money. It's a terrible look.

Firstly, we all know that generally you must be broke, because if you weren't, this large wad of money you are displaying in your picture would be no more important than the rest of the bundles of money you are earning *cough*. You wouldn't need to display it to the world.

Secondly it just looks DESPERATE! If you want to show people you are rich (and you shouldn't need to, it's pathetic), then do it by splashing out on something subtle but classy. Holding money just screams 'LOOK AT ME!! IT'S MONEY!!'

It's horrible. So in the short. STOP!

I Have a Question:

When a guy approaches a girl and asks for her number, but she POLITELY turns him down, why is it a MUST for him to comment on her looks or sexuality; 'You're ugly anyway' or 'What, are you a lesbian?'

No sir. In no way does my lack of attraction and interest in you, change the way I look in the slightest, as I seem to recall only seconds prior you were drooling over yourself with your friends watching me. And, No Sir. In no way does my polite rejection of your (rude) proposition, indicate that I may 'play for the other team', I am just as heterosexual as I was before you approached me.

If you really wanted to get a girls attention in a positive way, how about approaching her WITH A SMILE (and your trousers hitched all the way up to your waist - where they are supposed to sit) and striking up a conversation. Maybe she will turn you down, (but she will be all the more flattered), or maybe she will respond and converse with you. Rather than asking for her 'digits', how about ending the conversation with a simple, 'maybe I'll see you around', and if she took interest maybe she would make the effort to show up in that general area in which you first saw her.

It's not too hard to make a good first impression, but a woman likes to feel wanted and special, trying to get her number and then insulting her when things don't go your way, is not going to cut it.

Deep??

So my writing is generally quite 'deep', as people tend to call it. I guess I just have difficulty trying to write anything light-hearted, there's not really much out there. Maybe I can comment on the sun shining through my window, but that only draws my attention to the fact that I'm not out in it. Or how about the brilliant book I am currently reading and how I can lose myself for hours on end just delving into these fictional characters, but then I recall what the stories about and all the gore and horror and consumerism it addresses and then BOOM!! we're back in the deep end.

Try as I might I can't seem to get away from it, I'm not an unhappy person, so it shouldn't be a problem for me to address the beauty and positive aspects of thought, but it just doesn't happen. And, well, trying to force it, doesn't quite work for me.

I figure in time to come the positiveness will leap out and put itself in some sort of understandable format so that I can document it. Maybe it will happen tonight, maybe not. Maybe I will have something in the next few days.

During the time it takes however I shall continue blogging as I do and watching terrible rom-coms to bide the time.

I do wonder though, how do people document the positive?

GCSE's and A-levels

Sad to see so many people getting excited about their D's C's and a 'few' B's for their GCSE results, and then believing they can 'take on' college. Passing GCSE's is not exactly the hardest thing to do, and when it comes to preparing you for A-levels, well simply put, they don't.

They are nowhere near as hard, they don't require half-as-much effort, and they need barely any 'private study'. The fact is, if your getting ready to breeze through A-levels just like you did with GCSE's, you're going to fail. Simple as.